Word vomit

I really need to work on my communication skills, among so many other things. I make everything so complicated. I struggle with feeling heard from friends and family. Many times I get talked over, interrupted, and even completely stopped when I try to talk. Most people are busy and I notice them being preoccupied while I am trying to talk. So then I begin the shutting down process. I don't even realize it's happening. Slowly I begin to withdrawal and just assume that I have nothing to say that would be desired to be heard. This happens with almost every person in my world. I even begin to think I have an invisiblitly cloak on when I drive because I swear no one sees me. Just on Friday I was taking my father in law to the store and we were cut off twice on the way. So I have witnesses!! Granted he wears those giant dark sunglasses but I'm sure he could tell you it wasn't my fault. Anyway, so I feel invisiable a lot. But at the same time, I feel pulled in so many directions. That some days I can't even get 10 minutes to myself. (I'm not even a parent). I continue to withdraw and the frustrations start to brew. Even though I am desperate to have conversations with friends and family, if I feel any sense of disinterest or that they are the slightest bit busy at the moment, I will not say anything of real importance. Now I know that most of this is in my head but I have experienced enough poor communication moments in my life for me to build this nice defense mechanism. So where does the word vomit come in you ask? Welp, when things brew so much I can not contain things any longer that I just word vomit all over the place. Usually at an elevated volume and with tears. The target does not descriminate. It has been my mother, my spouse, my closest friends and shamefully even to co workers. I'm learning that this isn't a great technique, however, not quick enough to stop the most recent vomit attack. Most people don't know what to do with the multilevel of emotions that come flying towards them. What they seem to not realize is that this is kind of what the inside of my head feels like. So many thoughts and emotions and rationales and reasonings and judgements and lists and failures and blah blah blah. So what can I learn here? Normally I just blame everyone else for not feeling I am important enough to listen to. Up until a moment ago, I was still doing that. But if I'm going to really try to improve here I need to have an action step to work on. (Nothing so far this year has been really implemented-completely failing at the new year and January thing, but hey, it's almost a new month right? So why not try to add another thing). I guess I could tell the people that I want to listen that I actually need them to stop and listen. You know, give them the heads up that I'm going to say something of importance to me. That is only fair to them. I could also keep them in the loop more regularly so that I don't need to have majorly heavy conversations at every moment I get a chance. Because who wants that? These are vulnerable action steps and they require letting people in.  Trusting that they will hold my heart gently in their hands. Trusting that they are there because they want to be. Yikes! I have found over the years that I don't even always need someone to offer solutions but to just hear me out and help me to work through things. Kind of like this blog. It is putting things down from my head and trying to work through it. Now, I know, there is someone that is always there. I know that the Lord will never leave me nor forsake me. That I can go to Him at anytime and He is always listening. Sometimes though, I need a human form. My biggest action step needs to be that I take things to Jesus first. And more often. I still so often think I can do it on my own or that I will ask Him for help when I get that magical moment to sit down and have serious quiet time. My reality is, I cry out in despair when things are close to boiling over and I leave it at His feet and basically say fix it because I can't. Why do I wait so long to do that? Why do I wait until I am ready to hide forever from the world to finally say I can't do it. He always comes through and then I pick it right back up again. So that is a new revelation about me that has now come out during this blog. Hmmm, I need to go think about that and maybe say a prayer about it.