Word vomit

I really need to work on my communication skills, among so many other things. I make everything so complicated. I struggle with feeling heard from friends and family. Many times I get talked over, interrupted, and even completely stopped when I try to talk. Most people are busy and I notice them being preoccupied while I am trying to talk. So then I begin the shutting down process. I don't even realize it's happening. Slowly I begin to withdrawal and just assume that I have nothing to say that would be desired to be heard. This happens with almost every person in my world. I even begin to think I have an invisiblitly cloak on when I drive because I swear no one sees me. Just on Friday I was taking my father in law to the store and we were cut off twice on the way. So I have witnesses!! Granted he wears those giant dark sunglasses but I'm sure he could tell you it wasn't my fault. Anyway, so I feel invisiable a lot. But at the same time, I feel pulled in so many directions. That some days I can't even get 10 minutes to myself. (I'm not even a parent). I continue to withdraw and the frustrations start to brew. Even though I am desperate to have conversations with friends and family, if I feel any sense of disinterest or that they are the slightest bit busy at the moment, I will not say anything of real importance. Now I know that most of this is in my head but I have experienced enough poor communication moments in my life for me to build this nice defense mechanism. So where does the word vomit come in you ask? Welp, when things brew so much I can not contain things any longer that I just word vomit all over the place. Usually at an elevated volume and with tears. The target does not descriminate. It has been my mother, my spouse, my closest friends and shamefully even to co workers. I'm learning that this isn't a great technique, however, not quick enough to stop the most recent vomit attack. Most people don't know what to do with the multilevel of emotions that come flying towards them. What they seem to not realize is that this is kind of what the inside of my head feels like. So many thoughts and emotions and rationales and reasonings and judgements and lists and failures and blah blah blah. So what can I learn here? Normally I just blame everyone else for not feeling I am important enough to listen to. Up until a moment ago, I was still doing that. But if I'm going to really try to improve here I need to have an action step to work on. (Nothing so far this year has been really implemented-completely failing at the new year and January thing, but hey, it's almost a new month right? So why not try to add another thing). I guess I could tell the people that I want to listen that I actually need them to stop and listen. You know, give them the heads up that I'm going to say something of importance to me. That is only fair to them. I could also keep them in the loop more regularly so that I don't need to have majorly heavy conversations at every moment I get a chance. Because who wants that? These are vulnerable action steps and they require letting people in.  Trusting that they will hold my heart gently in their hands. Trusting that they are there because they want to be. Yikes! I have found over the years that I don't even always need someone to offer solutions but to just hear me out and help me to work through things. Kind of like this blog. It is putting things down from my head and trying to work through it. Now, I know, there is someone that is always there. I know that the Lord will never leave me nor forsake me. That I can go to Him at anytime and He is always listening. Sometimes though, I need a human form. My biggest action step needs to be that I take things to Jesus first. And more often. I still so often think I can do it on my own or that I will ask Him for help when I get that magical moment to sit down and have serious quiet time. My reality is, I cry out in despair when things are close to boiling over and I leave it at His feet and basically say fix it because I can't. Why do I wait so long to do that? Why do I wait until I am ready to hide forever from the world to finally say I can't do it. He always comes through and then I pick it right back up again. So that is a new revelation about me that has now come out during this blog. Hmmm, I need to go think about that and maybe say a prayer about it.

I guess it is really fear

So it has been a long couple of weeks since my last post.  I've lost track of time while at the same time tried to ignore the loud ticking of the clock in the back of my mind. With each day that passed I have had many moments that I thought that I could blog about.  But with every thought, it felt overwhelming to actually sit to write.  I have been working so hard to give myself grace like I mentioned before.  I still haven't really started this year yet.  A few good days but nothing truly consitant enough to feel like progress.  So I allow grace to pep talk myself into feeling like a tiny bit of progress is actually still progress.  One thing that I have been actually doing well with has been my little daily devotional. I may have to play catch up a day or two here or there but it really has been much better compared to last year.  I think that is why I have been able to stay in the place of grace with myself because of at least being back into a devotional time.  Now let me be totally transparent here, I usually am too tired after reading the 2 minute devotional to actually spend time in prayer over it.  Grace remember? Teeny tiny ant size steps forward.  Those two minutes though were actually making a difference.  Annnnnnnnnd then last weekend happened.  Thursday night, as uaual, I was super excited about all the quiet time and planning time I was going to have on Friday (my day off).  However, I woke up not feeling great.  Not ill, just in a fog and felt run down.  So I gave myself permission to just sit after a few chores and veg on the couch.  Just me, my dog, and the Gilmore Girls- all day.  I battled all day back in forth in the back of my mind that I should be doing more but it's ok to take a day to chill.  The next day I awoke to feel a little more motivated.  I decided to sit at the table so the couch couldn't whisper sweet nothings into my ear.  It worked but not as long as I had hoped.  I began to feel so tired that I wasn't able to focus any longer.  Sooo, I made up with the couch and invited Rory and Lorelei Gilmore to sit with me the rest of the evening.  Then to top it off, Sunday I came home from church and went to bed at 4:30pm! Anyone that knows me knows that I am a night owl and will resist sleep as long as I can, so this was not like me. Again, I really tried to apply grace here and chalk it up to maybe my body was fighting something and just needed the rest.  But it wasn't easy to ward off the little thoughts that tickled my brain.  Feelings of pressure and overwhelmness were spilling in.  Then about mid week this past week a full on breakdown happened because I finally realized what was happening.  I was being spiritually attacked.  Now don't abandon ship yet folks, stick with me.  I don't mean that none of the thoughts were my fault or that I could have made better choices. I just mean that it doesn't take much for Satan to nudge my own destructive thoughts in the wrong direction for me to completely spiral out of control.  The negative self talk was at an all time high.  The highest it has been in a very long time.  A friend texted me in the midst of my breakdown and by the end of the conversation she had asked if I had any rescue versus that I could cling to, to help me get a grip of things.  I said probably but it seemed like so much effort to do that. Like I was just too emotionally tired to pray or talk to God or even read His words.  The exact opposite of the way I had been feeling just a week prior. So all she could do was pray for me via text and let me finish crying myself to sleep.  The next day I wasn't as low thankfully, but started to really think about what the heck my hang up is.  Why do I get so far just to stop? And to avoid thinking about all the whys (like I said I was going to get away from this year) I just left the question there to simmer.  Today I listened to a sermon from Pricilla Shirer that I have listened to before.  It had popped into my mind earlier today and it took some time to find it but alas, I found it.  It was on how the Israelites were facing the Red Sea and what Moses instructed them to do via the Holy Spirit.  "But Moses said to the people, "Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the LORD which He will accomplish for you today; for the Egyptians whom you have seen today, you will never see them again forever. The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent." Ex. 14:13-14. God was calling these people to be fearless.  Even though we are all human and we will feel fear, we don't have to give into the spirit of fear.  That according to the book of Timothy, God does not give us a spirit of fear.  So we can feel it but we shouldn't wallow in it, allow it to cripple us, or entertain it.  That we are to stand firm on God's Word and what it says about my circumstances and to see and be watchful of all the little things that He is doing while I wait for the big things.  To pay attention to the details of what God is doing in my life. Finally, to be quiet, to guard myself against complaining. That I shouldn't be giving the enemy something to work with out of my mouth but to speak over my Red Sea circumstance with the Word of God.  Now I know all of this sounds like common sense.  And even with me hearing this sermon before, I apparently wasn't ready to implement.  I don't believe that it was pure coincidence that this sermon came to mind today. Because it was exactly what I needed to be reminded of and the exact actions steps I needed to get to move out of this rut.  This rut, I guess is actually fear.  I mean, I already know I have a fear issue. (I just never know what the actual thing is that I am afraid of). But this was put into words that I didn't think about before. Crippling, wallowing in it, inviting it in and entertaining it.  People I know would agree I do this. It really is a choice.  So some action steps I will take starting tomorrow is to write down 3 things each day I am thankful for, 3 ways that I see God working, and to take a moment to pray about my fear. Instead of trying to stop the hard stuff, I'm going to start these things in hopes the bad thinking disapates over time. Time will tell. Oh and I'm sorry for this long winded post. Congrats to those that made it to the end. ;-)

Be still and know that I am God

Three days into the new year and I'm feeling accomplished. I have been constantly reminding myself that small steps is all I need. Not giant leaps. Not steps backwards. Not sitting in the pouting position on the floor either. I just need to keep the momentum moving forward. I refused to get out of the car in the rain late last night after work in order to get groceries. I only beat myself up about that until I got home, an hour later. But today is a different story. I got groceries after work, prepared my overnight oats for tomorrow's breakfast and I even packed my lunch! Amazing right?! And that is after I signed up for LifeLock due to my identity being tampered with. Can we say an extremely productive year so far?! So I'm flying high as I crawl into bed. Praising myself for being ok that I didn't actually get to figuring out all the weight watcher points for my meals tomorrow. I mean, I'm ok with it because, frankly, I just ran out of time. But it is better than fast food tomorrow so I'm clinging to that. I even opened up my devotional tonight in bed. And as my head is high fiving itself for the amazing evening and already thinking about how to duplicate that every night this week plus laundry, my devotional is called  "stay focused on God". Oops. I know it isn't wrong to be excited for how I got some things done tonight. But I was very me centered about it. The devotional said about being still and know He is God. Waiting on Him patiently. Finding rest in Him. And it said that it doesn't mean to wait in worry or to fret but a sustained effort to stay focused on God through prayer and belief. So I was like, ok, that makes sense. Have faith that God is working. Then it ended with to wait is to rest in the Lord. "Fresh strength. Renewed vigor. Legs that don't grow weary. Delight yourself in God, and he will bring rest to your soul. " "“but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭40:31‬ ‭NIV I instantly relaxed and sighed. Doesn't that sound fantastic? Fresh strength. Soaring like eagles. No weariness. Rest to your soul. Oh man can I use some rest to my soul. My brain immediately stopped it's to do list and became thankful. Thankful to God that the time was available to get those things done today. Thankful to God that His desire is to work on my behalf so that I don't have to be weary or restless. That when my crazy mind wants to take over or I get angry that the plans I had got unexpectedly hijacked, being still in Him can settle it all down. Now, remembering this is the challenge. Because none of this is new information or a new concept. I'm not sure if I mentioned yet that I am not perfect. Shocking, I know. But isn't it amazing how just when I think I am making progress to this so called balance thing this day, this week, this year, God gently reminds me that the peace and true rest didn't occur tonight until I joined Him in His word. Silly me and thinking I'm in control.

Happy New Year

2017. It's here already. I wasn't quite prepared. I think I needed about two more days and then I would  have been set. But alas, I lack the control to add days. It is the first day of the brand new year. I'm sitting here, drinking a really good cup of coffee that is just waking my brain to all these thoughts for the year. Thoughts of my awesome new planner that will ensure this year will be better! I am highly motivated by fresh new calendars and planners. My planner asked what my 2017 mission is and I just used the word balance. I feel my life has been lacking balance for quite sometime. It sounds cliche' but it really is the perfect word to sum up what I feel is void in every aspect of my life. Overwhelmed is also a word that sums things up. Here I am, so excited for this fresh start in this year and I am starting to feel overwhelmed already. I mean, every day is a fresh start, why put so much pressure on the new year? We just can't help it. It is a huge clean slate. One that I began planning a couple weeks ago to help start the year off with action steps in place to start the new journey to being more balanced. The problem with me is that I am a 100% or nothing kind of gal. This is the kind of philosophy that allows me to live in the state of overwhelmness. I need to have everything in place, planned and ready to go at the perfect level or else what's the point to even starting. I don't have groceries yet to start eating right this week, I don't have menus planned for dinners this week yet, I haven't formulated the best way to incorporate my exercise plan into my work week yet, I haven't worked into my schedule the best time to have my quiet time with Jesus yet in my busy work week (which lets be honest, this is the true source of balance), and I haven't planned the days yet this week to tackle some laundry and some household cleaning tasks to lighten the weekend burden. Whew! I really needed those two extra days in 2016. My usual me would look at all of this and be like "eh, let's do this planning this week and start in the second week of the new year". Just skip this week. If I can't do it all perfectly at 100% then let's just not do anything at all. Ugh, I hate this part about me. This is why I get nothing started or if I do start, nothing finished. I am an excellent planner. Terrible implementer. Even this blog, I have so much I feel I need to share to fill in the back story to allow that one person who may read this to fully understand me, that this even feels overwhelming. So my point to this all, I think, is that in order to have this year be different and to achieve some sort of balance, I need to be ok with 20% or 65% vs 100%. I need to look at today and this week and look for the very small steps I can accomplish to move me closer to the more prepared state. I need to give myself some grace. This is a very hard concept for me. That is a story for another blog. God doesn't want me to live in this state of chaos anymore. But I can't sit around anymore analyzing the whys and hows and expecting things to change. I need to allow the Holy Spirit guide me to be what God wants me to be, not this person of perfection that I fail to be (and have since stopped trying). So I've started this blog for encouragement, accountability and to allow those I love to maybe join me in this journey this year. I will ramble and get off topic and my grammar will suck. But getting the thoughts out of my head may help me to look at things face value and not give into the emotions and thoughts that make me just want to go hide. I want to find me again. I want to find the Jesus in me again. I want to find the person that people used to love being around. I want to find the me that I liked being around. Big goals, I know. I will remind myself many times that they don't all have to be met this year. I just may need your help to keep taking the steps towards them so I can get out of this rut. Please pray for me and don't judge. Being vulnerable is something I fear so here goes nothing! Bring on 2017! One very small step at a time to a great year.