I guess it is really fear

So it has been a long couple of weeks since my last post.  I've lost track of time while at the same time tried to ignore the loud ticking of the clock in the back of my mind. With each day that passed I have had many moments that I thought that I could blog about.  But with every thought, it felt overwhelming to actually sit to write.  I have been working so hard to give myself grace like I mentioned before.  I still haven't really started this year yet.  A few good days but nothing truly consitant enough to feel like progress.  So I allow grace to pep talk myself into feeling like a tiny bit of progress is actually still progress.  One thing that I have been actually doing well with has been my little daily devotional. I may have to play catch up a day or two here or there but it really has been much better compared to last year.  I think that is why I have been able to stay in the place of grace with myself because of at least being back into a devotional time.  Now let me be totally transparent here, I usually am too tired after reading the 2 minute devotional to actually spend time in prayer over it.  Grace remember? Teeny tiny ant size steps forward.  Those two minutes though were actually making a difference.  Annnnnnnnnd then last weekend happened.  Thursday night, as uaual, I was super excited about all the quiet time and planning time I was going to have on Friday (my day off).  However, I woke up not feeling great.  Not ill, just in a fog and felt run down.  So I gave myself permission to just sit after a few chores and veg on the couch.  Just me, my dog, and the Gilmore Girls- all day.  I battled all day back in forth in the back of my mind that I should be doing more but it's ok to take a day to chill.  The next day I awoke to feel a little more motivated.  I decided to sit at the table so the couch couldn't whisper sweet nothings into my ear.  It worked but not as long as I had hoped.  I began to feel so tired that I wasn't able to focus any longer.  Sooo, I made up with the couch and invited Rory and Lorelei Gilmore to sit with me the rest of the evening.  Then to top it off, Sunday I came home from church and went to bed at 4:30pm! Anyone that knows me knows that I am a night owl and will resist sleep as long as I can, so this was not like me. Again, I really tried to apply grace here and chalk it up to maybe my body was fighting something and just needed the rest.  But it wasn't easy to ward off the little thoughts that tickled my brain.  Feelings of pressure and overwhelmness were spilling in.  Then about mid week this past week a full on breakdown happened because I finally realized what was happening.  I was being spiritually attacked.  Now don't abandon ship yet folks, stick with me.  I don't mean that none of the thoughts were my fault or that I could have made better choices. I just mean that it doesn't take much for Satan to nudge my own destructive thoughts in the wrong direction for me to completely spiral out of control.  The negative self talk was at an all time high.  The highest it has been in a very long time.  A friend texted me in the midst of my breakdown and by the end of the conversation she had asked if I had any rescue versus that I could cling to, to help me get a grip of things.  I said probably but it seemed like so much effort to do that. Like I was just too emotionally tired to pray or talk to God or even read His words.  The exact opposite of the way I had been feeling just a week prior. So all she could do was pray for me via text and let me finish crying myself to sleep.  The next day I wasn't as low thankfully, but started to really think about what the heck my hang up is.  Why do I get so far just to stop? And to avoid thinking about all the whys (like I said I was going to get away from this year) I just left the question there to simmer.  Today I listened to a sermon from Pricilla Shirer that I have listened to before.  It had popped into my mind earlier today and it took some time to find it but alas, I found it.  It was on how the Israelites were facing the Red Sea and what Moses instructed them to do via the Holy Spirit.  "But Moses said to the people, "Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the LORD which He will accomplish for you today; for the Egyptians whom you have seen today, you will never see them again forever. The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent." Ex. 14:13-14. God was calling these people to be fearless.  Even though we are all human and we will feel fear, we don't have to give into the spirit of fear.  That according to the book of Timothy, God does not give us a spirit of fear.  So we can feel it but we shouldn't wallow in it, allow it to cripple us, or entertain it.  That we are to stand firm on God's Word and what it says about my circumstances and to see and be watchful of all the little things that He is doing while I wait for the big things.  To pay attention to the details of what God is doing in my life. Finally, to be quiet, to guard myself against complaining. That I shouldn't be giving the enemy something to work with out of my mouth but to speak over my Red Sea circumstance with the Word of God.  Now I know all of this sounds like common sense.  And even with me hearing this sermon before, I apparently wasn't ready to implement.  I don't believe that it was pure coincidence that this sermon came to mind today. Because it was exactly what I needed to be reminded of and the exact actions steps I needed to get to move out of this rut.  This rut, I guess is actually fear.  I mean, I already know I have a fear issue. (I just never know what the actual thing is that I am afraid of). But this was put into words that I didn't think about before. Crippling, wallowing in it, inviting it in and entertaining it.  People I know would agree I do this. It really is a choice.  So some action steps I will take starting tomorrow is to write down 3 things each day I am thankful for, 3 ways that I see God working, and to take a moment to pray about my fear. Instead of trying to stop the hard stuff, I'm going to start these things in hopes the bad thinking disapates over time. Time will tell. Oh and I'm sorry for this long winded post. Congrats to those that made it to the end. ;-)