Happy New Year

2017. It's here already. I wasn't quite prepared. I think I needed about two more days and then I would  have been set. But alas, I lack the control to add days. It is the first day of the brand new year. I'm sitting here, drinking a really good cup of coffee that is just waking my brain to all these thoughts for the year. Thoughts of my awesome new planner that will ensure this year will be better! I am highly motivated by fresh new calendars and planners. My planner asked what my 2017 mission is and I just used the word balance. I feel my life has been lacking balance for quite sometime. It sounds cliche' but it really is the perfect word to sum up what I feel is void in every aspect of my life. Overwhelmed is also a word that sums things up. Here I am, so excited for this fresh start in this year and I am starting to feel overwhelmed already. I mean, every day is a fresh start, why put so much pressure on the new year? We just can't help it. It is a huge clean slate. One that I began planning a couple weeks ago to help start the year off with action steps in place to start the new journey to being more balanced. The problem with me is that I am a 100% or nothing kind of gal. This is the kind of philosophy that allows me to live in the state of overwhelmness. I need to have everything in place, planned and ready to go at the perfect level or else what's the point to even starting. I don't have groceries yet to start eating right this week, I don't have menus planned for dinners this week yet, I haven't formulated the best way to incorporate my exercise plan into my work week yet, I haven't worked into my schedule the best time to have my quiet time with Jesus yet in my busy work week (which lets be honest, this is the true source of balance), and I haven't planned the days yet this week to tackle some laundry and some household cleaning tasks to lighten the weekend burden. Whew! I really needed those two extra days in 2016. My usual me would look at all of this and be like "eh, let's do this planning this week and start in the second week of the new year". Just skip this week. If I can't do it all perfectly at 100% then let's just not do anything at all. Ugh, I hate this part about me. This is why I get nothing started or if I do start, nothing finished. I am an excellent planner. Terrible implementer. Even this blog, I have so much I feel I need to share to fill in the back story to allow that one person who may read this to fully understand me, that this even feels overwhelming. So my point to this all, I think, is that in order to have this year be different and to achieve some sort of balance, I need to be ok with 20% or 65% vs 100%. I need to look at today and this week and look for the very small steps I can accomplish to move me closer to the more prepared state. I need to give myself some grace. This is a very hard concept for me. That is a story for another blog. God doesn't want me to live in this state of chaos anymore. But I can't sit around anymore analyzing the whys and hows and expecting things to change. I need to allow the Holy Spirit guide me to be what God wants me to be, not this person of perfection that I fail to be (and have since stopped trying). So I've started this blog for encouragement, accountability and to allow those I love to maybe join me in this journey this year. I will ramble and get off topic and my grammar will suck. But getting the thoughts out of my head may help me to look at things face value and not give into the emotions and thoughts that make me just want to go hide. I want to find me again. I want to find the Jesus in me again. I want to find the person that people used to love being around. I want to find the me that I liked being around. Big goals, I know. I will remind myself many times that they don't all have to be met this year. I just may need your help to keep taking the steps towards them so I can get out of this rut. Please pray for me and don't judge. Being vulnerable is something I fear so here goes nothing! Bring on 2017! One very small step at a time to a great year.